I've never been massively confident, always questioning myself after much of what I say or do, but at least I've been sure enough of my worth to believe that I'm ok really and despite everything, not a bad person to have around. This is also inspite of being disabled, which does more damage to one's confidence than anything else. Not surprisingly, the interactions with the vile women on the compound helped to knock the belief I had in myself and left me not just questioning myself, but not daring to say or do anything in the first place, however it wasn't those women that shook my confidence the most, but the relationships I had with women I had counted as at least acquaintances if not actually friends, that did the most damage.
I found myself with loads of women to socialise with and counted myself very, very lucky that there seemed to be so many good people that outweighed the bad ones by far. But then gradually I realised I was being socially gazumped. These women would make plans to meet up with me and then cancel, many times with what I felt was a spurious reason. And it wasn't a rare occasion, it would happen four times out of every five. I had a 'friend' that talked about doing a fitness class with me and promised to see if a shop that she was about to go to, had the piece of fitness equipment she had recommended to me. When I asked her about it 'oh, I forgot'. Really? 10 minutes after telling me all about it and advising me to get it? She also 'forgot' all about inviting me to the fitness class. Again, I'd just think 'oh well, she didn't like me that much as a friend after all', if it weren't for the fact she still tried to use my friendship for her own gain when her husband got himself into trouble and my husband had to investigate it. That's just manipulative.
I have another acquaintance that decided quite early on that it was perfectly fine to make fun of the fact I use a wheelchair. Again, I blame myself for giving the impression that that was ok and for making fun of myself, but this is something that I can do with people that know me and weirdly I have no problem with my good friends taking the mickey because it feels like its done affectionately. I suppose I just have a problem with those that haven't known me long. She actually told me I must stop her if she goes too far, but I'm not her mother to teach her what is acceptable and if she goes far enough for me to need to tell her to stop, surely she must realise the damage is already done? But, all that aside, what I can't forgive is her doing it infront of my husband. How does she think it makes him feel to have the woman he loves, the woman he married, being made fun of for being disabled?
Apart from all that, the thing that really, really annoys me about the people out here is the glib way they do the WMD (We Must Do..... fill in the blank as appropriate) when it becomes patently clear that they had zero intention of carrying it through. One guy, a friend of my husband's, has been promising to 'get us out on the boat' every time he's seen us for the last two years. We haven't even seen a picture of the damn boat, never mind had actual plans made to go out on it. And he's not rare, countless times I've had the 'we must get you round for supper', 'lets go to the new exhibition', 'give me your number, we'll do coffee'. And its left me wondering what it is about me that makes people feel they have to offer to socialise with me when they have absolutely no intention of doing so. I have friends, I have a life, and I'm not desperate for you to complete it.
